Blog for Mom Who Used Egg Donor and Told Their Baby
We did a Creating a Family show a while ago on how to know when you are ready to motility to donor eggs or sperm. Ane of the electronic mail questions we received and used on the show called using donor eggs "half adoption". Oh my! The proverbial stuff striking the fan.
I haven't gone back and re-listened to the show, simply in response to that question, I believe I said something along the lines that there were similarities between using a donated egg for conception and adoption since in both cases the adult female would be parenting a genetically unrelated child. The psychologist guest was more than diplomatic (of course) saying something like some people felt that way and others did not.
Subsequently the show, I received a number of emails ranging from slightly miffed to irate from fertility patients objecting to equating donor eggs with adoption. Marna Gatlin, founder of the bang-up group Parents Via Egg Donation, told me that a heated dispute had erupted on their website message board over this same topic.
I don't particularly like the term "half adoption" and I don't use it, simply I don't think it'southward completely inaccurate, and I worry about the vehemence of the opposition.
"It's Demeaning"?!?
Ane e-mail said that equating donor egg and adoption demeaned her family and her children. I couldn't disagree more. Like adoption, a kid conceived through donor gametes is not genetically related to one or both parents. But genetics doesn't define family.
Differences and Similarities Betwixt Donor Conception and Adoption
Significant differences exist between formulation through donor conception and adoption. The woman or man that donates the egg or sperm receives compensation and is only giving up "a part," rather than a whole child. Through epigenetics, the woman who carries the fetus imparts her own influence on the genetic expression in the child. The parents have more command over their child's environment from the moment of transfer. The female parent gives birth and can nurse her kid.But fifty-fifty with all these differences, the fact remains that, like adoption, the child is non genetically related to the mother.
We did a Creating a Family prove a couple of years ago on the lessons from adoption that can be passed on to the 3rd party reproduction community. Nosotros talked about many "lessons", but the ane that stands out for me is the need for children to know their conception and birth story.
Lessons Learned from Adoption
Back in the mid-1900'south many parents did not tell their children they were adopted. The majority of parents who conceived through egg donation today do non tell their children. One embryo donation centre told me recently that well over 50% of the parents whose children were born through embryo donation practice not tell their children. Inquiry on the children adopted in the "don't tell" era of adoption reveals the heavy price of betrayal and confusion they paid for their parents' silence.
I am a fairly gray person—meaning that I unremarkably come across both sides, and as a result, don't oftentimes take an unequivocal position on much. I recall this "grey" is an asset in giving unbiased back up and information to people considering all their family creation options. But this is one effect that seems totally black and white to me. If we have learned nothing else from adoption, we have learned that family secrets are destructive and that children don't define mom and dad past biological science.
I firmly believe most kids conceived from donor egg and sperm will eventually find out–through family unit members who know or suspect, from genetic medical testing or consumer genetic testing, or from their parents after in life. Information technology doesn't matter how, just at some point, they will likely know the truth almost their conception. I am every bit convinced that in 10 to 20 years we'll see a spate of research showing that donor-conceived children who found out later in life will feel confused and betrayed. I experience like someone who sees a train barreling down the rails toward a school autobus parked at the crossing. I'thousand screaming my warning, but the bus doesn't move.
Not Telling = Shame
Keeping the conception story a surreptitious reflects that the parents believe that using donor egg or sperm is a lesser way of forming a family, rather than just a different way. I believe it implies shame. No child deserves to have his parents ashamed of how he came to exist. No child deserves to exist lied to.
Not Telling = Lying
Although yous may try to convince yourself now that not telling is not the same as lying, it presently will go a lie. A thousand times throughout your child's childhood, something will come up and y'all volition have to smudge the truth. Maybe it'due south your kid'south questions nearly her greenish/blue eyes or athletic prowess; perchance it will be a teacher'south question nigh a possible learning disability; mayhap it'southward your child'southward fear over your mother and aunt'due south breast cancer; maybe it's every time you fill up our a pediatric medical class and include your family'southward medical history. Over and over again yous will be presented with an opportunity to tell the truth, and failure to exercise then could be interpreted past your child as a lie.
How to Tell
Parents who are avoiding this chat can learn the bones how-to'southward from adoptive parents. Yes, the initial conversation is awkward. You will stumble over the words and struggle to find the right tone. (Nonchalant? No, that's not correct. Heavy? No, no. How virtually matter of fact? Mayhap with a little more than delight thrown in?)
If you lot offset early plenty, you lot'll be having this conversation with an infant or toddler who is more than interested in chewing on the book or your finger, so the simply ane embarrassed will be you. By the time the child starts to comprehend, you'll be an old pro at both the words and the tone. Gradually and naturally more than data is shared through the years in a series of small conversations.
In that location are few blackness and whites in modern fertility treatment. The lines will mistiness even more than in the future as scientists develop more than means to help people conceive. This is the future and it is good. But as nosotros march into the future, for goodness sakes, let's take with us the lessons from the by. Never is this platitude more apt: If we fail to learn from the mistakes of the by, we are doomed to echo them. The ones who will pay the price are the kids.
P.S. #1: Nosotros take a list of suggested books for help tell children their conception story.
P.S. #2: If you are a parent via egg donation, the PVED site is a must visit.
P.Due south. #three: For an interesting review of some of the lessons from adoption that might utilize to third-party reproduction, read "Erstwhile Lessons for a New Globe: Applying Adoption Research and Experience to Assisted Reproductive Technology" by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Found.
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Other Creating a Family Resource Y'all May Find Useful
- What Donor Conceived People Think of Donor Conception
- The Myth of Dearest at First Sight with Donor Egg or Adoption
- Is Adoption or Donor Egg or Embryo Settling for 2nd Best
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Paradigm credit: Tom Fassbender: Nathan Rupert; Jes First published in 2009, updated in 2019.
Source: https://creatingafamily.org/infertility-category/infertility-blog/donor-eggs-half-adoption/
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